WHEN TREATS BECOME TORTURE – “Confessions of a sugar addict”
The following story is completely true, told from the heart in the hope that it will help others.
So it’s December, I’m celebrating my 50th birthday in a lovely restaurant and friends ask if I’m going to have some birthday cake for a special treat. Now, my mantra throughout my weight loss journey has been – ‘ if I want it, if I really really want it, then I’ll have it.’ Fortunately, because Russell is in my head: if it isnt high protein; low GI or healthy, then I simply won’t want it! So I think about it and I decide that I don’t want any that much, so I enjoy a small piece of Stilton and crackers instead. Yum.
The following week my husband is also celebrating his 50th birthday so we throw a big party for family and friends. Again, I ponder over the idea of cake. I decide that I really can do without it and opt instead for the very special treat of some bread! A soft white barmcake filled with hot roast beef and fried onions – and it was good, but didn’t make me want to eat more bread. I’ve done without it for seven months and was pleased to confirm that I really can take it or leave it.
Then Christmas is upon us and I’m planning my menus for over the holidays, determined to stick to my healthy eating regime. People ask if the mountains of chocolate and sweets around the house are bothering me? I honestly reply with a definite ‘No’. And it was the truth – the chocolate wasn’t mine, I didn’t eat it anymore and therefore I genuinely had no interest in it. Instead I made sure I had delicious veggies and all kinds of fruit in the fridge. I packed the freezer with pre-prepared healthy meals that I love. I splashed out on some of my favourite (and expensive!) seafood, and looked forward to eating it. I also knew that I may decide to have a little something as a reward for my determination, and really wanted to plan that treat as something very special – and to be sure that it was something that I definitely wanted.
I thought about how well I’d done on Russell’s program and was delighted when I reached a personal milestone of a six stone loss. So on Christmas day I enjoyed every scrap of my Christmas dinner and decided that, yes, I really really did want some Christmas pudding!
I cut myself a small piece and poured over my home-made brandy sauce (made with fresh cream and lots of sugar!)
Please bear in mind that NOTHING sweet (apart from fruit) had passed my lips for over seven months.
The hit was amazing. I can’t remember ever tasting anything so sweet! So creamy. So absolutely divine! I take my time and make sure I relish every spoonful. As long as I appreciate it, truly enjoy it – then I’m happy. I deserve it after all my hard work!
Don’t I?
I was incredibly proud that I only had the one, sensibly sized portion, and didn’t go back for seconds.
But my goodness, how I wish I had left that pudding well alone!
At new year we went to the In-laws for a lovely meal, and I even took some fish for my main course – look at me! I can have a little treat and still stay on track – aren’t I clever? I took dessert for everyone too (fruit salad for me of course), but as I am dishing up a large piece of chocolate roulade, not even contemplating having any myself, I did something I hadn’t done before – I licked some chocolate cream off the spoon!! I’d done it without realising and felt quite shocked but didn’t worry about it, after all, I’d had the Christmas pud and survived hadn’t I?
So later that night, when we’d brought the rest home – I had a piece to myself.
I knew from what Russell has taught me that the most dangerous reaction was to feel guilty; to start that terrible ‘guilty-give in-cycle’ I’d had a weakness – so what – I’m only human. I would forgive, forget, and move on.
But I couldn’t.
Two days later I ate a mince pie.
‘Forgive, forget move on – you’ll be fine’, I told myself.
‘ It’s Christmas – you deserve a treat.’
The week after Christmas, we went on a weekend break to Geneva and although the home of cheese and chocolate, I was determined not to have any of either indulgence. And I am very very proud to say that I didn’t. I did however, have two croissants and a large pannacotta! I realised that I was thinking differently: I’ll get back on track once I get home; It’s just because I’m on holiday; I may never return to Geneva; I’m just making the most of my trip.
Yep – I was making excuses.
When we returned it was my son’s 21st birthday. He didn’t want a cake, he requested his favourite Banoffee pie instead. Did I have any? What do you think?
Of course I did. How many times will he be 21? After going to the trouble of making it myself – I deserve a treat don’t I? This would be my last indulgence, it’s now mid January and the last celebration. No more excuses after this.
So I made it a large one.
Over the following days I felt awful. I wasn’t sleeping well. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the chocolate in the house. The children’s selection boxes were calling me – like they used to call to the ‘old me’. I knew where every ounce of chocolate, biscuit and cake was in the house and one night found myself just stood at the cupboard door, holding a box of biscuits. This particular box had been given to me by one of the children at school as a Christmas thank you. I had taken it home without hesitation, for my family. A colleague had offered to swap for a bottle of wine she had received but I refused. I remember laughing and saying that they wouldn’t bother me at all. ‘I couldn’t have them in the house,’ she’d said ‘If I was on a diet’. I tried to explain the ‘unexplainable’: with Russell’s amazing program, I have never considered myself ‘on a diet’. I just eat what I want. And I want to eat good, nutritious, healthy food. Biscuits?? Not me!
But there I was, holding the once-harmless, once-unthreatening box at 3 o’clock in the morning. I didn’t want to eat the bloody things. I mean I ‘really really’ didn’t want to eat them.
But I did.
Almost as if someone else was controlling me, I ripped open the inner packet and with tears welling in my eyes, I shoved two biscuits in my mouth. I didn’t even enjoy them. To be honest I didn’t even taste them. Somehow, and I honestly don’t know how, I stopped at the two and went to bed feeling just terrible.
I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. I knew what I had to do. I had to ring Russell. I had to tell this lovely man that I had let him down. I would have to confess to the person who literally changed my life that one of his success stories was weak and a phoney, and a failure.
I spoke to Russell the next day (actually, he rang me – spooky!) and he helped me to see that what had happened wasn’t at all my fault. My suspicions were true -that little treat on Christmas Day had awoken my sugar addiction.
As addictive as cocaine, all it took was the one hit.
Think of it this way: you wouldn’t dream of giving an alcoholic just one glass of wine would you?
The link on Russell’s newsletter led me to watch the full documentary on sugar and what it does to our bodies. I was astonished at the terrible effects it has and can understand why some health professionals want the nutrition labels changed, with warnings similar to those on cigarette packets.
Check out the links and see for yourself.
http://www.medicaldaily.com/sugar-addiction-doesnt-just-lead-obesity-it-affects-your-heart-health-brain-function-327660
I now know that I am and always will be a ‘recovering sugar addict’ and although that sounds ridiculous -its true!
I also know that I will never ever eat the poisonous, toxic, lethal filth again!
This easter was the first one in my life that I haven’t eaten my own body weight in chocolate eggs (my poor kids have no idea how many of theirs, in the past, I’ve secretly scoffed and then replaced!).
Instead I treated myself to some mature stilton; a delicicious piece of turbot and some fresh figs and raspberries from a well known ‘overpriced but delicious’ supermarket.
No I didn’t eat ANY eggs this Easter – but for the first time ever, I didn’t look like one!
Till next time – keep a healthy mind and happy body!
Cris x